Farewell, Young Love
Most 20-year-olds who are or will be in a relationship will break up with their partner. I think you can be the exception.
I'm fairly convinced that most 20-year-olds who are or will be in a relationship will break up with their partner before turning 30. Over half of 18 to 34-year-old Americans don't have a steady partner, and more than half of those who do will likely break up with them. Having interacted with dozens of young adults from Latin America, Canada, Western Europe, and Oceania, my experience tells me they are in the same boat as Americans.
If I'm right, you'll spend your 20s thinking you are drenched in love. Then, weeks, months, or years later, you will realize you are just damp and move on.
You might think you and your partner are immune to this trend, but so did everyone else. They might not have thought about marriage from the first date, but they sure stay involved in the relationship hoping to break up.
Few can escape this pattern because every 20-year-old faces one of the most uncertain decades. Your 20s are the first time you go headfirst into the world. Perhaps you've spent five years studying medicine because it is what your rich aunt studied in the 80s. Then you graduate and realize that, while you find them heroic, overnight shifts suck. Even your trivial choices will be misguided in your 20s. You'll think you like bagged ramen and then age and recognize that you enjoyed the savings that come with it. These changes will affect your relationships. You'll see they already did if you reflect on past failed relationships.
I was agnostic, ok with my career, and over-budgeted in 2022. Now I say I'm spiritual, plan to take an intellectual gap year in my late 20s, and think of ways to spend more. These traits make me a different person to date.
As you change, your partner will also change. After about five months of seeing each other, my 27-year-old ex wanted to move to Paris to study at the Sorbonne. Breaking up became an option. I would have to give up my routine and friends and voluntarily sit at Parisian restaurants to be mistreated. I chose love. I downloaded Duolingo and embarked on a two-week journey of saying "oui" in-between gym exercises. Her plan got canceled a month later, and, with it, my life in Europe. That month, I could have broken up with her to keep my life or moved to Europe alone. My job made staying together possible. Yet, it wasn't enough to get us through the future disruptors that ended the relationship.
If you think about all the above long enough and deep enough, as I have, you will at some point think, "Dating in your 20s feels pointless." Why date if you are bound to break up?
Some people will live by this motto and date themselves—a mix of traveling, eating at luxury restaurants, and going to spas at the expense of not having anyone to go with them to the doctor.
Others will venture into casual sex. It gives access to touch, intercourse, and compliments with zero chances of losing the person.
The most courageous will swear they will always love their partner, no matter who their partner or themselves becomes, declaring they will remain incapable of not liking them. And that they won't ever disagree with that belief, even if it affects their current or future needs, desires, and comfort. Even if Angela, Steve, or Juanita turn into assholes.
You can expect to do all that and to be pleased. But you won't be because of the inevitable self-discovery in your 20s. You might put up with flaws in your partner's character, but are you willing to endure that pain to respect an oath from a person you no longer are?
The destiny of most early adulthood relationships isn't some obscure secret. If you think back to conversations with your relatives or older friends, you might find out they have hinted at this. My father, in his rather direct style, has told me I will break up with every one of my partners. "Go date a [insert non-latin nationality] girl." These comments have always annoyed me, and if you have received similar ones, I bet they've pissed you off too. But I now think it's his way of telling me not to close my heart to potential partners and prepare for future grief.
If you believe, seek, and find pleasure in love, as I do, you will pursue it, even if there is a significant chance you will break up.
Looking at successful relationships, reflecting on past partners, and connecting dots from studies on successful (non-romantic) relationships, I suggest there is one condition to maximize your chances of finding a partner who is willing to stay for the long-term and turning yourself into a person who can be in a long-term relationship. And that is, learning your attachment style, its downsides, and being willing to change them.
In my infinite naivety, I will once again, as I always do, trust that at least one of you will follow this advice and be prepared for the love of your life.
Attachment theory and what’s stopping you from finding or keeping the love of your life
The underlying message of attachment theory is that humans are a bonding species. We form relationships with others to survive, not be anxious, and feel fulfilled. The characteristics and outcomes of these bonds, especially the earlier ones, influence how we behave.
For example, I grew up in a household where I wasn't encouraged to express how I felt. Instead of validating my emotions, my dad often told me to own whatever I felt, move on, or not exaggerate. For me, expressing how one feels meant not receiving help. So I associated sharing my emotions with distance, criticism, and unimportance. I didn't trust opening up.
When I began dating, these past interactions with my dad shaped how I interacted with my partners. I rarely shared negative viewpoints of our relationships, struggled to show physical forms of affection (e.g., gifts, dance, kissing among friends), and did not communicate how I felt. This likely made my ex-partners want to invite me to play Russian Roulette. But I also suffered. I knew the pain I was causing, yet I couldn’t help but act in the way that caused it. It felt like I could say or rephrase something, but the words didn't come out. So I sat there, heartbroken, seeing how the person I cared about most questioned whether she was dating a human or a robot.
I have improved at this. A lot. In my last relationship, I would say robot Nicolás only escaped my unconscious once or twice per week. But the goal is to reduce it to zero.
Compare my situation to that of a person who was always listened to. That person could be you, and I hope it's you. This person would label sharing emotions as a safe action with a predictable outcome: to be held, cared for, and validated. They could take this learning into their relationships and be better than I am at opening up.
Attachment styles aren't born from the lessons of one interaction but from the sum of the insights you have gained from the relationships you had growing up.
While I struggle to express my feelings to my parents, I don't with close friends. It took me 24 years to tell my mom, "Te amo," a deeper version of "I love you," that the English language can only wish to have. But I've said it to friends.
My story would be different if my guy friends responded, "I didn't know you were gay," and my female friends said, "Ewww." Maybe I would have grown up unable to express my feelings to anybody. Instead, my female friends blessed me with an "I love you too," and my guy friends said, "I didn't know you were gay, but I love you too."
Your case isn't any different. Your attachment style will fall into one of the following three types based on your perception of the outcomes of bonding interactions you had growing up. I'll start with the most ideal to have or look for in a relationship and finish with the one that needs more work to fix.
Secure attachment: 50% of the population and the type you should strive to be or date
People with this attachment style feel safe forming relationships and expressing their needs. These people want to connect with others, and this willingness makes them attuned to their partner's needs. You won't see them asking, "Babe, are you ok? ten times in a row. They give them their space, assuming that's what their partner needs. This level of attention is not exclusive to their partner. Their friends, relatives, and pets also receive this caring treatment. After all, it's who they are.
Another sign of someone with a secure attachment style is that they aren't afraid to ask for help or offer it. They share how they feel instead of letting undiscussed thoughts turn into a time bomb. People with secure attachments can also resolve conflicts and handle differences if they blow up. Arguments are just that, arguments. They know and feel that having them isn't a sign their relationship will end.
The good news is 50% of the population has a secure attachment style, says Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and ex-leader of Google’s behavioral science team. So finding someone capable of loving you in the good and bad times might not be as hard as it seems
The bad news, she says, is that most people with a secure attachment style are in relationships. These people don't beat around the bush. If they like someone, they will let them know and do anything they can to stay with that person. Situationships aren't a thing for them, they date thinking of a long-term relationship.
Consequently, most people in the dating market don't have a secure attachment style.
Anxious Attachment: 20% of the population
People with anxious attachment need their partners to say and do things that reassure the love they feel for them. Often, it's because these people grew up not knowing what the people they loved felt about them. Their mom might have never opened up to them, or maybe one day they said they loved them and the next day shouted they stole their youth.
For them, love was unpredictable. It wasn't a tranquil stream of kisses, hugs, and compliments but an unmanageable rip tide of insecurity, loneliness, and rejection.
As a result, in every partner interaction, they seek closeness and reassurance that the relationship won't end.
Sex, for example, is a revelatory activity for people with anxious attachment. How their partner approaches sex "proves" how close they feel. If they do not want to have sex when their anxious partner wants to, the latter might see this as proof of a lack of interest. They don't care if you've had sex three times that day—they want to see you getting naked as soon as they do. If you don't, and I say this from experience, it can take hours before their mind stops thinking of why you "no longer love them."
Many of the actions we call "toxic" are behaviors from people with anxious attachments.
For example, some people don't like it when their partner has a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex, as they see the third person as threatening their relationship. And yes, it is because they are insecure, afraid of losing their partner, and worried their partner will cheat on them. But it isn't because they do not trust their partner or their yoga instructor—they just don't trust the longevity of bonds. If their partner was as close to a friend of the same sex, they may also feel threatened. Whether in a polyamorous village or a remote island, people with anxious attachment want assurance their partner will stay with them.
If you are anxiously attached, you'll let your partner know you need that reassurance. You'd ask for gifts, compliments, and whether they would date you if you were a worm. However, people with other attachment styles might find such requests tiresome. I have gotten annoyed at partners who implied I no longer loved them because I hadn't said it in an hour. After the tenth time I said it, my voice, expectedly, sounded less energetic.
To which my partner at the time said, "I knew it; you don't love me anymore."
I used to find this annoying. But next time, if there's a next time, I'll read this situation from the perspective of someone who didn't receive long-lasting love. I won't label their position as "irrational" or get annoyed because they "refuse to listen" to what I say. Instead, I'll realize they do all they to allow me to love them.
Avoidant attachment: 25% of the population
Like those with an anxious attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment struggle to trust their relationships. But while anxious partners seek closeness, avoidant partners pursue distance.
Growing up, their relationships also let them down. They weren't there when they needed them. But instead of growing up to crave that closeness, they realized they could do well by themselves. They grieved alone, celebrated alone, and progressed alone. As someone with a mix between this and secure attachment, I know how it can feel like you don't need anyone. I have been my number one fan for the longest time, and I feel ok with that. But, deep down, I also wish I could rely on someone.
My awareness of that need for a partner is why I say I can enjoy the benefits of having a mostly secure attachment. But most people with an avoidant attachment don't have that privilege.
For example, fuck boys, men who seduce women to have casual sex with them as a sport, are a typical example of avoidant attachment. They want to feel love but don't want to give up their freedom, control, or sense of self-sufficiency. Their early life bonds are, in large part, the culprits, as they were unreliable. But my conversations with fuck boys also tell me their first romantic partners are usually to blame. Every one of my promiscuous guy and girl friends was cheated on in their first relationship. I don't believe fuck boys become avoidantly attached because they were victims at one point. But it might be that when an avoidantly attached person is betrayed by the person they love the most, their chances of trusting romantic partners vanish.
So they jump from chlamydia to human papillomavirus to gonorrhea as they try to maintain control and experience love through lust. Sometimes, they'll get close to achieving the full version. They won't feel like ordering an Uber the next morning for the person they slept with but Gelato. If they are lucky, which I've seen they hope to be, they'll get into a relationship. But it rarely happens. Before it does, their nervous system will activate a flight response that makes them do something that ensures taking distance, such as cheating.
People with avoidant attachment, which includes but isn't limited to fuck boys, also tend to find and think about imperfections in their partner. They can rationalize why they should break up by thinking about what they don't like in others. "Oh wait, why didn't you tell me you didn't like salsa? I only date guys who dance salsa." While I get the thrill of being able to dance to the best genre in the world with my partner, should their dance skills decide the fate of the relationship? What about his emotional stability, ambition, and signs of having a secure attachment style?
It's ok to know what you like. But if you often rule out partners for little things, it's time to question what's driving you to do that. Is it really self-love, as you think, or is it fear of getting into a relationship that might fail?
Avoidant behaviors aren't exclusive to people with this attachment style. Every person can feel scared of opening up or about not seeing specific traits in a partner. Maybe your friend is trying to set you up with a software engineer they believe to be your perfect match, but you are hesitant because every software engineer you have met smells. And to make it worse, none have danced salsa. Every style might hesitate. But while an avoidant attachment sees this as a deal breaker, someone with a secure attachment might still meet them.
Since people with an avoidant attachment try not to have partners or to push them away, they often stay in relationships when dating someone persistent—someone willing to love them, even if the avoidant person gives them reasons to do the opposite.
You can change your attachment style
Under attachment style theory, your attachment style results from socialization. How you interacted with people while growing up determines how you behave in relationships.
But, as with most things conditioned by biology or society, you can change who you are. I grew up with a mix of secure and avoidant attachments. It's still a mix, but it used to lean much more into the latter one. I've reduced my avoidant behaviors by examining what I do and the behaviors I do that my partners dislike. For example, if I judge my partner, I analyze if I'm looking at a flaw or if I'm making excuses to lose interest.
I'm not some attachment-style shapeshifter. A study saw 22% of people change their attachment style in three months. Decades of programming of their nervous system rewired in 90 days. If you were or had an anxious or avoidant ex-partner, imagine how better the relationship could've been if you had trusted each other more. Less blaming, stressing, assuming, arguing, pointing, missing, grieving, and craving. Maybe you would have broken up for other reasons, but the relationship might have lasted longer and ended on more amicable terms.
Those longer, more amicable, and more fulfilling relationships are within your reach. But you must dare to question why you do what you do and then do it differently. Question why you minimize the positive, magnify the negative, catastrophize, overgeneralize, blame others, mindread, have an all-or-nothing mentality, or push people away. Sounds simple, and it is; I wish it weren't. Humans, especially young ones, tend to ignore simple advice. They associate simple with without substance instead of what it is, straightforward. This is why I say I’m naive for thinking I can persuade you to follow my advice.
But changing your attachment styles demands asking these questions. The longevity of our next relationship depends on our ability to move from an avoidant and anxious attachment to a secure one. The reason is that even if we find someone who loves us we are less likely to be with them for the rest of our lives if we stress them with stories about why they want to leave us (anxious) or do anything we can to see them leave (avoidant).
Some of you might have the courage to ask these questions but get overwhelmed. Don't see this as a sign of failure but as a symptom that you are dealing with deep programming and might need help. A therapist could help navigate this period of change.
I'm not one, and each therapist has their own practice, so I don't know what yours will do. But, most processes go through similar stages. They will help you discover the problem, who you are, and what drives you. Then your therapist might challenge your beliefs. For example, they will make you think whether your partner saying no to having sex is a sign that they don’t love you or if they are just tired. Depending on how comfortable with introspection you are, you will go deeper into thought patterns:
"Is it your weight you are afraid of, or the lack of intimacy? Is it a lack of intimacy, or a lack of attention? Why do you need attention? Or is it attention from your partner? How was the attention you received in the past? Was it limited or plentiful? Oh, it was plentiful but negative. Wait, it was plentiful at school because you were bullied but limited at home, your safe space. So it's more like you see home as the only safe space and you feel at danger when you don't get the attention you don't receive anywhere else. Ok let's explore this.
Working with a therapist isn't a requirement to change, but it helps. And since your love life depends on change, hire one if that's what you need.
Figure out your attachment style and change it if needed.
After reading everything above, you likely sense your attachment style. You can answer the following survey to feel more confident in it. It's a quiz adapted from one that Psychiatrist Amir Levine and Psychologist Rachel Heller introduced in their book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep— Love.
I answered it twice.
The first time, I answered based on how I acted during my last relationship. One that I ended, among other things, because I felt I wasn't me. I scored 38% on anxious attachment, 50% on secure, and a depressing 75% on avoidant. I'm sorry, Vic.
The second time, I answered based on how I acted during all my relationships and the changes I have made to how I treat my close relationships. This time, I scored 25% in anxious attachment, 38% in avoidant, and 75% in secure. I need to find a new girlfriend to verify these numbers, which I'm willing to do to update my results. But the numbers are likely 25% anxious, low 40s% avoidant, and high 60s% secure.
I'm not entirely secure, much less than my future partner deserves. But I'm getting there. There might be enough to turn my next partner into my lifelong one, or it might not. However, I'll act like my next partner will be the last. It might be a lie. But, if it is, it's required to keep pursuing this beautiful mind-body experience called love.