The Three Habits I Built To Not Be Clinically Neurotic
Against my biological and environmental inclinations, this is how I became a non-neurotic. Adopt these habits for fulfilling, long-lasting relationships with yourself and others.
From time to time, we have an experience that makes us question how we act. Often, it's uncomfortable. So we rush to solve what we don't like about ourselves, others, or our environment. I have been through many of these events when my neurotic personality trait affected me and my relationships.
In its clinical sense, this trait makes people more likely to have:
A lack of emotional self-control
Persistent stress over minor challenges
A tendency to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety, anger, and self-doubt
Tendency does not imply a permanent state. For example, neurotic people are more prone to depression, anxiety, and panic disorder symptoms. But they don't necessarily have depression, anxiety, or panic disorder in clinical terms. Instead, they are victims of some of these mental disorders' consequences.
Being born with a neurotic inclination does not mean you will be neurotic your entire life. Genes alone are not responsible for how you act. You can also reduce a trait's influence on what you do and think by acting how a person who isn't influenced by the trait does. So, unless you have a justifiable reason to experience negative emotions often, which you don't, work hard not to be neurotic.
Three habits turned me into a non-neurotic, as measured by this scale. Anyone wanting to have fulfilling, long-lasting relationships with others and themselves should adopt them.
1. Changing my environment
We are born with a biological inclination to have more or less of a personality trait. But our environment influences the power these traits have on us, if any. For example, a neurotic three-year-old will become less neurotic in a non-neurotic household. They will grow up just as neurotic or even more if their parents also have high neuroticism levels.
"Like all building blocks, genes help make up the language of existence," says Gabor Maté, a physician who has studied how to change behavioral patterns that seem unstoppable. "But it is through the workings of epigenetics that they are activated, accented, or quieted."
Epigenetics is a field studying the genetic changes that our environment and behaviors cause. "[Epigenetics] demonstrates that circumstances themselves can shape how genes adjust to the environment," he says. "Said another way, our lives are what happens when life acts upon life."
In my case, my environment was unideal.
My parents are neurotic. They can get irritated, impatient, or angry when people don't act "how they should." For example, sometimes, I would be telling a story, and they interrupted me to ask about the story's ending.
Growing up, I saw their behavior as a sign that I should be impatient while listening to others speak. A few times, this led me to ignore people's stories and focus on when they would end.
My neuroticism levels got reduced when I started living by myself. At 17, a year after starting college, I noticed I didn't get upset as quickly as before. I also complained less.
Whenever I move back to my parents, be it for a three-day or a four-week visit, I become slightly more neurotic. I feel more lonely, anxious, and annoyed than usual. For example, if, on average, three events annoy me each week while living alone, six events do when I am with my parents. I believe it's because I'm back to thinking neurotic acts are "normal." It can also be a coping mechanism for dealing with the trauma of what happened. Despite these brief relapses, I am fortunate not to be neurotic.
At 23, thanks to my financial status, I can better control where I reside. So far, in 2022, I've lived in three cities in Colombia, one in Mexico, and three in Peru. Whenever a location makes me more likely to act neurotically, I try to move.
2. Meditation
Meditation teaches you to be aware of your thoughts, body, and surroundings and not judge them. The more aware you are of these areas, the easier it is to know if what you are doing or saying hurts others. The better you are at not seeing situations as good or bad, the less likely events or people are to irritate you.
I discovered what caused my neurotic actions through meditation.
For example, in one session, I realized why I almost always got annoyed at having to repeat myself. One of the most influential causes was that my parents didn't like to repeat themselves. As a kid, I had to always listen to what they said. If not, I would have to guess what they said or never find out. So I grew up and regarded people who didn't listen to something the first time as annoying because, at one point, that's how I saw myself.
Today, I no longer get annoyed when people don't understand what I say:
Why put them through something I hated as a kid?
How can I know it's not me who is communicating poorly?
Why assume the person is incapable of understanding me?
I learned meditation using an app called Headspace. It has courses on mastering meditation and others on using it to solve a problem.
I mostly took the "general" meditation courses. Each class teaches you more skills to be aware of your surroundings, mind, and body. The more skills you have, the better you will be at remaining calm in a growing number of stressful situations.
There was value in the more specific courses. These taught me to be happier, less stressed at work, and to sleep better by meditating. If the "general" course is not helping you reduce the influence of your negative personality trait, use these more specific courses.
3. Studying and applying Stoic practices
Stoicism is a philosophy school that teaches how to remain calm at all times. Being calm doesn't mean being able to keep yourself from acting wrong after experiencing an adverse event. Instead, it means navigating through the event without feeling any negative emotions.
The primary method Stoics used to remain calm was to reframe setbacks. For example, you could see a decrease in sales in your business in two ways:
Proof of your inability to run a company
An expected obstacle every business owner faces
The setbacks stoics most want to reframe are those coming from events outside of your control. "Remember, nothing belongs to you but your flesh and blood," said Marcus Aurelius, a stoic. "Nothing else is under your control. You will feel angry, stressed, and upset less often as you get better at ignoring situations beyond your control."
From my point of view, people who benefit the most from Stoicism are constantly studying its principles. For example, they are always reading or re-reading one Stoicism book. Others tattoo themselves a phrase that captures most of this philosophy's principles. In my case, I always wear a pendant with the phrase, "You could leave life right now," a reference to Marcus Aurelius' quote: “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”
Stoicism can sound repetitive and non-actionable, depending on the stoic you read. So I recommend reading The Stoic Challenge to anyone wanting to study Stoicism. It's a 2019 book condensing a lot of the philosophy in a simple, actionable tone.
As you learn from the Stoics in this book, you can buy the works of the ones you like the most. Most people start with Marcus Aurelius because of his motivating style of writing. But I'd recommend you start with Epictetus' Discourses, as it influenced Marcus' thinking.
From here on out, I'm done with neurotic traits. I am done complaining about the traits inherited from birth and aging. Because no matter how inclined we are to do, say, or think something, we can choose not to do it. Ever again.