How To Be Yourself in a World Driving You To Be Someone Else

A guide not to do what 99% of people do: regret their lives on their deathbed.

Mimetic desire is a theory by the philosopher René Girard. It argues that we don't choose what to desire. Instead, others decide what they want, and we choose to want what they want. 

He built his theory while teaching a literature course on books he hadn't read. Work from authors like Proust, Dostoyevsky, and Stendhal. In almost all captivating novels, he found that characters look at what others want to know. 

Literature isn't science, but writers almost always create stories based on reality. We can say a story is "romantic" if it has events we deem romantic in real-life, such as impromptu dates, quitting one's job to pursue love, or saying soulmate every three sentences. While the story isn't real, its underlying themes are based on reality. 

Girard's theory is reductionist, but it's still a representation of what we, on average, choose to desire. I think of it as an archetype of who we are; sometimes, it doesn't apply, but many times it does.

The problem with imitation is that it can have consequences. 

If you imitate people that you know that are on a similar status, they can confront you about it:

• If teenage twin 1 wants to wear an olive dress for a party, and twin 2 decides to do the same after seeing 1, 1 can confront 2 out of anger, frustration, or annoyance. 

• If teenage twin 1 wants to wear an olive dress, and their best friend does too, 1 can also confront them because they are on a similar status level

• If 1 were a 40-year-old woman and 2 were a 10-year-old child, 1 wouldn't care because "it's a child." Unless the woman desired to be a child. In this odd case, 1 could see 2 as a rival.

Thus, imitation can make you lose friends, family, peers, and, worse, yourself. If you spend your life pursuing what others want, you're likely to regret how you lived when you are on your deathbed. 

One option not to pursue what others want is not to have friends, family, or peers; to remove others from the equation. This is, of course, not viable. You are less likely to survive fatal illnesses, recover from addictions, and live a fulfilling life without them. 

A better alternative is to avoid rivalries by self-isolating for a time length we'll later choose. 

Self-isolation means not seeing people you can avoid seeing without running into financial or physical consequences. The list includes family members, friends, and peers for most adults. However, it doesn't have the cashier at the grocery store, your doctor, or your boss—you must interact with these people. 

You are less likely to survive fatal illnesses, recover from addictions, and live a fulfilling life without friends, family, or peers. 

If you manage not to see your social circle, you can self-isolate anywhere: in your apartment or a cabin in the woods.

It's counter-intuitive to get away from those you love, as the whole point of self-isolating is to help you maintain healthy relationships with them throughout your life. 

But, by self-isolating yourself, I've found you are more loyal to what you desire. There are no role models to follow or friends to compete with. This eliminates the chances of going into rivalries and doing what someone else wants. By the time you see them next, you'll have a better grasp of what you want, thus being less prompt to mimetism. 

Prerequisites.

Self-isolation can have different consequences, depending on the person's mood and how quickly they feel lonely.

Loneliness can lead to mental health problems, such as depression. The COVID-19 lockdown era is the best event to reflect on this link. In 2020, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 63% of young adults had symptoms of depression. This data came from countries where death rates were low compared to others. So while fear played a role, the main cause behind these symptoms, as Harvard's Colleen Walsh says, was people feeling their social circle didn't care about them because they didn't meet or reach out.

Physical problems also appear more often in lonely people. They are more likely to have high blood pressure, a weak immune system, and trouble sleeping. 

I also believe, from my experience, that we have less energy when we are alone for a long time. The day feels more like a routine. In my case, I wake up, exercise, write, work, sleep, and repeat. When I don't see people between these times, I'm more likely to feel stuck in some unenjoyable loop. So I restart every day with one less drop of energy and motivation. 

All this is to say that for your isolation period to bring more benefits than consequences, there must be rules.

1. Choose a length of isolation based on how comfortable you are with solitude

Your first isolation period should be shorter than you think you are comfortable with it lasting. If you extend it for too long, based on a wrong estimate of how long you can last alone, you may experience some of the consequences I mentioned.

Six years ago, I embarked on an unplanned 1-year isolation period. I felt remorseful, abandoned, and empty after switching majors.

I enrolled in mechanical engineering because my father wanted me to do it, and I thought I did because of my mimetic respect for him. But I didn't, and that cost me his emotional support. I also experienced a surge in hormonal acne, affecting my self-confidence. So I decided not to see anyone outside of college. I had roommates, but they were men raised to believe emotions are useless, so I had no emotional support. 

The first months were beneficial. I started working out, accepting the importance of studying what I wanted and reading.

But, since I did this in my first semester, I didn't make friends. So I didn't have anyone to return to after the isolation period ended. I chatted with a few people regularly, but none were friends. Thus, I ended up spending most of the year only hanging out with those I lived with.

What started as a beneficial period ended up with me having signs of depression and chronic anxiety that I had to ease via therapy.

Your first isolation period should be shorter than you think you are comfortable with it lasting. If you extend it for too long, based on a wrong estimate of how long you can last alone, you may experience some of the consequences I mentioned.

I can't tell you how long your isolation period should be because I don't know how comfortable you are with solitude.

However, I can tell you to consider the ideal length the same way many consider habit formation. Aim low and add difficulty as you get comfortable. For example, if you have never exercised, you are more likely to do it five times a week if you set the mini goal of working out once a week. Likewise, if you think you can last a month with scant to no social interaction, aim for a week.

Then two.

Then for a month. 

A week can feel like a short time, but as you'll experience it yourself, it can be enough time to ditch at least one habit unaligned with what you want. 

2. Use time alone to learn about what you value in life

When you know what you esteem, you can better differentiate what you like from what you think you like. 

I've followed many prompts and exercises to learn what I like. 

First, challenge your beliefs. Make a list of goals, objects, and mental states that you want. Then, ask yourself, "Who in my life believes this is a worthwhile goal, object, or mental state?" 

I've held one belief for a while—I would enjoy getting a Masters in Humanities from Ralston College. Jordan Peterson, an intellectual I respect, believes this program is valuable. He's the person who thinks this is a goal worth having.

The existence of someone who desires what you want doesn't mean you don't genuinely want it. Ask yourself more questions to find out your stance:

• Why do I believe X is true?

• What evidence supports X is true?

• What are some counter-arguments to the value of X?

• How might my belief change if my role model (e.g., Jordan Peterson) thought having X was pointless?

• How does this X align with the values and beliefs I've had for decades?

You can also use character strength assessment tests to learn what you like. Despite their reliability issues, these help you pinpoint the traits of situations that drain or energize you. For example, they can reveal you don't like being around people for a time you deem long. If that's the case, and you are pursuing a career in acting, you might be walking down the wrong path. 

I've taken two tests—one from the Institute on Character, and one from Marcus Buckingham. Both sites were recommended to me by a coach, so I assumed the veteran coaches who trained mine, who often draw what they do from therapy, have tried and tested many tests and liked these two.

After taking both tests, I could identify the activities that drained my energy from those that energized me. While I can't stop doing every draining activity, I now know the ones I must outsource first to have more rewarding days. 

3. End your isolation cycle before you compete with yourself

We all have an ideal version of ourselves that's different from us. If you isolate yourself for too long, you can compete with it. You can start doing what you think that person would do, even if you or the future you would not get joy out of these actions.

My engineering story illustrates how you can want what you think your ideal you will want.

My parents talked me out of wanting to study design during my last high school year. They persuaded me to want to study engineering, and, at one point, I believed that's what I desired. So I began to do and love things that I thought an engineer would do and like:

• Studied math after school

• Felt superior because of my future career

• Played around with 3D modeling software

Three months into college, away from my parents, those I looked to for guidance on what to desire, I quit. I'd never liked math, despite understanding it. I was also not passionate about what I could do with an engineering degree.

During my second isolation period, around my last year of college, I began competing with myself. 

I was the person setting unreachable high standards for myself, not someone from my social circle. Competing with an ambitious version of myself, I began to overwork for the things my ideal me would have. The long work hours and self-imposed stress led to anxiety and tendonitis, which, two years later, I still have in both hands.

Humans have an ideal version of themselves. This version behaves differently than you do. If you isolate yourself for too long, you can turn your ideal self into your competitor. And since you are chasing ideals, the unreachable standards might overwhelm you, besides governing the interests you pursue after your isolation period. 

To avoid competing with yourself:

1. Don't extend it if you feel ok being alone or are enjoying its benefits.

2. Respect the isolation period length you chose.

3. End the cycle.

Then interact with people. 

See if your actions align with what you like when you encounter someone who thinks the opposite. Let's say your friend Jane goes to a party with you, even though her partner doesn't want her to do it. Her partner calls and Jane asks you to lie about where you are. In the past, you've covered her. But now, after finding out you value honesty above all, you have two choices: 

1. Lie to Jane's partner because that's what she wants you to do

2. Don't lie to Jane's partner because that's what you want to do

If you lie, you didn't improve at ignoring what people you respect want you to do. In this case, go on a longer isolation period. Ask yourself more questions about why you believe what you believe. Get uncomfortable. 

If you don't lie, then your time alone made you more you. So get back to your life. It's not urgent to start a new isolation period. I say not urgent because, as long as you interact with people, there will always be a risk of wanting what they want

Let the ratio between days with people and days alone lean too much on either side, and you might live someone else's dream or live yours but not enjoy it.