Good Dancing is About Good Communication

Having a transcendental dance and a noteworthy conversation are hard for the same reason. Everyone wants to talk, not listen.

You will need more than hitting all eight beats of a song, spinning thrice, or taking years of classes to make you good at partner dancing. You become good at (partner) dancing when you learn to communicate with one person. Good communication requires four agreements.

The first agreement is to talk to one person. Lock eyes, most of the time. Only think, look, or speak to the other person. There isn't a dancing equivalent to talking about the weather. Invest in the interaction or say your feet hurt.

The second agreement is that one person follows. Followers agree to listen to what the leader's movements say for about four minutes. In salsa and bachata, followers must listen to the leader's change in grip from four fingers to one and how it foretells a hair comb, two spins, or nothing.

Partial listening doesn't work. When someone talks, and you think of what to say next, you aren't listening. You lose an opportunity to connect, help, and appreciate. When followers lead themselves to specific moves, they interfere with the leader's message. Two people are talking over one another.

Some followers don't listen to leaders they don't trust. I don't read "top 10" articles because marketers often choose the featured items based on the product's affiliate commission. I've been fooled too often, so I distrust these articles. Followers are the same. They want to dance. If you can't lead, they will.

For example, a lady with pigtail buns from my Lisbon salsa class performs every move unconventionally. She kicks the air, ignores the pause on "4" to lengthen her third count, and uses hip-hop steps. In salsa practices, we dance in a circle with one partner for a minute and switch to the next one. The first time I saw Pigtail Buns, she left the guy in front of me terrified. He couldn't lead her. After turning her to the left side, I forgot to spin too to end up parallel to her and switch hands. This is fine if you know dozens of moves as I do. When you forget a word, you use synonyms. But I froze and pivoted to the basic step—the salsa equivalent of awkward silence. She would have listened if my message had been more precise, confident, or charming.

The third agreement is that one person leads. They are responsible for clearly communicating what followers committed to listening to.

The body signals must come on the right beat of the music. If the leader leads a move faster than they should've based on the song's rhythm, they can injure the follower.

The move frequency should be comfortable to follow. You can't play your videos at 4x speed if you want people to listen. Newbie leaders rush into complicated moves instead of listening to the pace and mood of the music. Seconds into Celia Cruz's romantic "Te Busco," they'll hammerlock their partner and start a cycle of turns. Followers signed up for a yoga class and ended up at 5 a.m. CrossFit.

Like good speakers, good leaders study the audience they will talk to. They know that while the leader decides the conversation topic, the follower defines the tone, angle, and depth.

Leaders can look at followers dancing with other leaders to gauge their listening skills. You will often be the first to dance with the follower, or you suspect that the leaders you have seen don't communicate as well as you do. In conversation, you ask, "Do you know about X," then explain X if they don't, or talk about Y if they do.

You can also start small and add up when dancing. I start most social dances by turning my followers to the right. If they do it and finish the turn facing me, I'll turn to the right. If they keep dancing after I turn, I'll turn to the right at the same time I make them turn. Newbie followers often stop dancing when I turn. They don’t know they can keep listening after the leader changes their speech pattern. If this happens, I will reduce the complexity of what I say to a comfortable level for both of us.

The more you dance, the more precise your communication will be. You will articulate the same information using fewer, simpler words that different audiences understand. Pigtail Buns doesn't cut me when I talk anymore. She listens to me, spinning, turning, and walking when I want her to. She now says she has the most fun dancing with me. Other leaders stutter, apologize for "mistakes," and overthink. Their words could be more confident, intriguing, and straightforward. In her eyes, I just have fun, and I do wildly when dancing with her.

A fourth agreement surges when two people who know how to communicate meet: leaders and followers can talk. The second and third agreements are still valid but flexible. Pigtail Buns listens now, but her style is still unconventional. She added dancehall, hip-hop, and swing to our last salsa dance. But she does it when I open the space for her to talk, such as when I let her hands go. It is my turn to listen. Sometimes, I'll reduce the energy of my moves so the follower's voice appears louder.

You can't force people to listen fully or talk clearly.

My follower friends have danced with advanced leaders who never look at them. These speakers want someone to listen but don't care about them. They want their praise, money, or, in this case, a pair of hands to wiggle for four minutes.

The first "advanced" European followers I danced with in class didn't listen. They did moves I didn't lead because they wanted to practice them. This sounds ok, as we are in class. But remember, they agreed to listen. Imagine going to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and shouting "C" before the host reads the question. Even if you get it right, did you genuinely answer the question? You can convince rebellious followers to listen to you with enough time, but if it is four minutes, get ready to talk to a wall.

Having a transcendental dance and a noteworthy conversation are hard for the same reason. Everyone wants to talk, not listen. We undervalue listeners and speakers and overvalue ourselves. It is impossible to resent an unclear leader or a rebellious follower if you recognize the wonder of sharing an intimate moment that words can't describe. That's why a joyful dance only demands the first agreement: talk to one person. My most unexpected crush has been on a 60-year-old lady with whom I danced salsa in Lisbon. I spoke, she listened, and we both talked. I can't remember what song I played, the people around me, or thinking about what to do next. Six minutes of simultaneous loss and enhancement of all senses that I have never recreated through yoga, meditation, or substances. It was effortless, like a conversation with your best friend, soul mate, or partner who is equally ready as you to break up.

There's an upcoming social dance in Lisbon soon. I should go talk to her.